alex

I know what you must be thinking (you're almost definitely not thinking this): two blog posts in one day? WTF?!? Well, something just happened. Something big it seems.

I was having a conversation with my ex and in her inability to understand human nature (see the previous post) she tells me that everyone else thinks she's right (about things in general) and that they all say I'm fucked in the head. I ask her who. She says the following: one of my roommates, one of my very good friends, and the only other relevant girl in my life. What did they say? My roommate said that I'm a player (more or less) and that I'm using her (not true), my friend agreed with my ex convinced her that I was “abusive” during our relationship (also not true), and the other relevant girl (the one I have the crush on, i.e. the important one), “Alex is in the realm of good guys, but he's far from the top.” Bitch. She says she didn't mean to, but Osama couldn't plan this kind of sabotage! She strategically attacked three of the four important parts of my life: my home life, my friendships, and my romantic interests. All I need is for her to tell my boss and professors what an unreliable person I am and I'll be all set. I talk to her about this (mostly on the vain of not wanting her in my life anymore because she's damaging to it) and she takes it upon herself to talk to the crush-girl again, surely only making matters worse. She tells her that we're fighting (which makes a unfairly large percent of her knowledge about me out to be a rage filled person), that is wasn't completely about her (it wasn't at all about her, and her thinking it was can only result in her thinking she should stay out of my life), and that we've talked and there's a possibility that me might be friends again (which makes her think I'm the kind of person to cast someone someone important out of my life over some small argument about her [note again that it was not at all about her]). The symptoms? I see crush-girl after the fact and she doesn't even talk to me. Moreover, she makes it a point to not have any interaction with me she can avoid, even eye contact. I have no clue how this is going to turn out, but I doubt it will be well.

It might just exams and overwhelming stress, but I've lost the desire to pursue girls. This might be bad. I think it boils down to two things: I'm not ready for a relationship (just got out of one, more or less) and I'm no longer convinced that hooking up randomly will be at all satisfying. An explanation is in order.

Most guys I know hook up because they want/need sex. Not me. Sure it's nice, but I've gone long periods of my life with no sex (admittedly none since I came to college) and have survived on masturbation alone. This might sound surprising coming from a guy who's had as many hook ups with girls as I have in college, but it's true. The reason I hook up is completely different and two fold. First, confidence. As terrible as this may be, certain parts of my self confidence (namely feeling attractive to girls) comes from girls being attracted to me. They show they are attracted to me by hooking up with me. Would it be better to just feel attractive all the time without the need for girls to hook up with me? Yes, but that's not the case. Second, connection. I have a theory about sex being an act that elicits an emotion. I'll explain this theory later. The point is, when you share an emotion with a person, it creates a connection with that person or strengthens an existing one. It's nice. It makes me feel understood in a sense, that is, the sense that they are feeling the same thing I am at that moment and not judging me for it (not that if she is judging me for it then the bitch best leave.)

Right now I don't have the desire to hook up. Why? I have the above needs fulfilled, more or less. For whatever reason, I feel attractive just in my current situation, without the need for random girls. Also, I'm connecting with someone on that level and it's sufficient. In short, I'm satisfied. This is an odd thing. I've been in deep crazy emotional relationships and not felt satisfied, but I feel satisfied now. Crazy.

So if I have this explanation, why'd I posit the one about excess stress? I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm only satisfied because I'm too lazy to seek something better. This thought doesn't occur outright, rather I know under the surface that this is the best I can have right now and I had best learn to like it or be worse off. An interesting question arises: Is this a good thing?

Is this a good thing? In one sense, this boils down to me settling for less. This would be bad. But that's not quite it. I think I'm predisposed to always be looking for something better (as are most people) and right now I'm just not up to the task. Can I find something better? Maybe, but it would be awfully difficult. So it's not that I'm settling for less, it's more that I'm settling for something great. This isn't so bad. This can almost be looked at as a good thing; I like being satisfied. Moreover, it makes the girl feel better too. Too often I'll be dating a girl and she won't feel special because I'll be looking for someone to beat her out. I think this is silly; she should feel special because she beat out all the girls before her. They shouldn't be mad at me, it's human nature. I'm just moving up the ladder. I'm now in an interesting situation: I've stopped trying to move up. Does that mean I've topped out my ladder? Unlikely, I don't believe in that. Moreover, I don't believe there is a top of anyone's ladder in practice. We always can find someone better. Will they be attracted to us? Probably not, but it's nice to know there are always thousands of wonderful options out there waiting for (a chance to reject) us.

Update:

It was brought to my attention that the this post may come off as being rude to whom it is about and that I should change it. I have not and will not, save perhaps to fix grammar and similar mistakes. I will take this opportunity to give a few more sentences of explanation. This is not an apology. This is me trying to get the message that I want to across.

First, I would like to note that I believe everyone is always looking for the best person for them available. Note that this person may be (and quite likely is) taken when they are doing this. It's mean, but it's what people do. If someone finds someone better and doesn't act on it because they're in a relationship, it's not because they weren't looking, it's because they don't think it is worth hurting the person they're with and leaving a presently good situation for an uncertain future. If they were single and found both these people at the same time, they'd get with the higher-on-the-ladder person without much thought for the other. Being taken only changes this dynamic slightly. Marriage, described by this model, is an agreement between two people that they think they've found the highest person on their ladder that they're likely to ever be able to get with and is, more or less, a decision to stop looking. Most don't stop looking.

When I said above that I'm settling for less, I quickly said that that was not quite it and corrected it to being that I'm satisfied with something wonderful for the time. This was intentional. I am not going to say that every time I have a crush on a girl there is no one in the world that I can find attractive. That's silly. That I'm attracted to other people and with (for all definitions of “with”) another girl should not be an insult; it should be the greatest compliment I can give her. Given every other option available, she's still the best. So again, am I settling for less? Not really, I just have no motivation right now to try at the extremely difficult task of finding someone I'm more attracted to that whom I am at present.

An update has been long needed. Things have quickly gone to shit in most of my life. My computer is more or less broken, women are being more evil than usual, exams are this week, and I can't really move because I hurt my back. All that is self-explanatory except the women, so I'll keep this blog on topic and tell you what's been going on with me lately.

I was lucky enough to have a friend that wanted to add benefits to the friendship before she goes off to med school. I didn't have a problem with this, and it was a particularly nice surprise when this quite D-level Asian turned out to be a freak in bed and extremely talented. Also things started going pretty well with a few of the other girls (my ex and the religious one, in particular. Girl 1 didn't pan out, quite right. Maybe I'll write about it some time, but not now.) Then the Asian told me she couldn't hook up with me anymore because she was too unstable, which was upsetting but understandable. Were my life a book/movie this could have been seen as intense foreshadowing. So now I was left with just two girls, which, admittedly, it more than twice the trouble any man should have to deal with. Well, they've become better and better friends, which is good, except my ex complains about me to the other. Bad news. Now the other, who I have quite a crush on, takes it upon herself to use every opportunity she has to tell me how terribly I treat my ex. Not only this, I feel she's starting to blame me for some of the difficulties she is having with life (note: not all them are my fault.) What's worse is my ex is now trying to pull away from me and keeps telling me I should actually “date” date the religious girl. This is not an option. At least not now. So all in all, I'm being left here by my self as both girls are turning on me more an more, all at the same time the rest of my life is falling apart.

So what do I need to do? Fix the problems, to be sure, but this is easier said than done. I'm exhausted, angry, upset, overworked, stressed, and on top of all this, sexually frustrated. Bad news. I can hardly type this, much less bring myself to do something I don't want to. I'd take my aggression out with jiu-jitsu, but my back hurts too much for that, so I'm kinda left with nothing but pain and anger. Other options? I could find a new girl or two, but that takes time and effort that I don't have to spare. I could fail out of Hopkins, but this doesn't do me too much good, since most of my efforts are going to try to stop this right now. Really, my best bet is to completely drop all the women in my life and never talk to them again and just hang out with the guys. Only problem is that these two girls are two of the three people I actually consider good friends here at JHU, not to mention that masturbation probably won't take care of this level of sexual frustration. Also, I don't think it wouldn't help me with my motivation to do work (quick note on work: all three of my jobs are finishing up around now and lots is expected of me from them. Kinda sucks since I'm in the middle of finals, and I have to go to Michigan this weekend for my friend's wedding.)

What else is a possible solution? I have no clue. I've been thinking lots and I've come up with nothing. I'm pretty much fucked all over when I'm in an important transitional part of my life (i.e. most important semester for grad-school transcripts and building of resume to get a job.) Fuck. Wish me luck.

I've decided that I should write this blog under the assumption that every girl I mention is reading it. On that note I would like to mention that women are terrible terrible things and that I'm quite positive a good third of my person is consumed in hating them. The other two, I assume, are given towards sex and violence. The problem is that there's very little motivation not to hate women: Men appreciate it when I express this sentiment, and it helps me get girls, so I really can't see any reason to stop. Perhaps I should explain further.

Every guy I know harbors some discontentment with women. Unfortunately almost all of them fear feminine scorn too much to express it openly. Those that do express it are met with the same overwhelming cheers that Ghandi or Martin Luther King would be; this is one man standing up to the fear every man shares, leading a movement to regain our freedom. Indeed, I'm a fucking hero to these guys.

Every women I know, on the other hand, harbors ridiculous fantasies about creating Mr. Right out of some outlaw biker (see ladder theory). I don't own a motorcycle, but women see my rantings as a cry for help that only they can answer. Oddly enough, this makes me more appealing. Perhaps my outrage with women's irrationality will one day grow so large that I'll no longer want them to be attracted to me, but as that day has not yet come, they're only feeding the flame. Onto the troubles.

A crush is a terrible terrible thing. Many guys will tell you it's nice to be attracted to a girl and that it makes life exciting and fun. Not me. I hate it. You might think when I girl forcefully crowbars her way into a guy's mind all the time that it's fine and dandy, but all it does is slowly ruin my life. There are usually a few ways to fix this: Drink, start a fight, have sex, or, ideally, have drunken violent sex. Not one of the four has helped me. Keep in mind, I don't think there is anything wrong with being attracted to a girl for reasons besides sex, etc., it's them being on my mind that is unfair. The last thing I need is to be thinking about one girl while I'm trying to seduce another. Given, it's fun, but certainly less effective. How do we fix this? There are a few ways. I could ignore the girl, but I'm not really interested in doing that since she's actually kinda cool. I could start dating the girl, but this is just as bad because I don't know if I could be completely satisfied with her (note that as some point this is what she'll want. Then the fun begins. More to come on that, I'm sure.) Or, I could have “that talk” with the girl where I explain why it won't work and go fine a bunch of other girls to spread my affections on. This seems like the best answer to me right now. How am I going to do this? We'll start with Girl 1 from the previous post (I'm abandoning my current position with her; she's leaving in a month and a half, she can't get too attached by then. I hope.) Next, I'm going to go act the slut down at MICA this weekend. Friday will be ideal for this. I'll tell you stories on Saturday then. Let us hope it all works out as planned.

Now for the story of last night. If you were wondering what's made me particularly angry lately, this is it. In case you're unaware, last night was UFC 52 live on pay-per-view. We decided to celebrate by watching it as a friends house in the inner harbor on his 52 inch hi-def TV. Good times. When I say we, I mean me, girl 2 from the previous post, a specific one of my friends and a bunch of other people irrelevant to the rest of the story. After the fights (which were awesome) we walk back hoping to catch a shuttle to take us home. On the walk back this friend of mine is flirting heavily with the girl, who, I'm sorry to say, I have the crush on. I didn't mind this too much. The girl seems to like me quite a bit and doesn't seem to attracted to this guy, so I let it happen. The shuttle doesn't come so we take a cab back and he flirt with her on the ride back too. During the trip it comes up that we're going to watch Ocean's Twelve at my place, and to be polite I invite my friend along as well, not thinking terribly far into it. He goes home to change before we head down to my place. I go up to the girls room with her; she needs to check her e-mail and get her books (yay Hopkins). At some point I'm standing next to her as she's sitting at her computer. She says, “By the way,” and grabs my tie (I'm wearing a tie) to pull me forcefully into kissing range, “you wearing a tie is very conducive to doing things like this.” Very hot. So I'm thinking that I've still got a good hold on her. We go to my place. My buddy sits on one couch, she sits on the other. I'm setting up the movie, and he decides he'll sit on the other couch to “get a more direct view of the TV.” Slick. I don't care cause this girl clearly wants me and he's bound to fail, so I sit where he was sitting and start to watch the movie. At some point in the movie he puts his arm around her. I get a little jealous, but since I we're not in a relationship or anything, I don't own her and he's a great guy so nothing terrible will happen unless she lets it. Well, as the movie progresses he starts to caress her arm and hold her hand. I'm getting more and more angry, not with him (he doesn't know any better) but with her (she should). I've become too angry to look back so I take my house-mate's zippo and use the reflective surface as a mirror so see what's going on (sketchy, I know.) Well, it doesn't proceed much further than it already had, but I'm having the longest two hours of my life waiting for the movie to end to they'll get out of my house. The movie ends, she calls a shuttle, gives me a hug, tells me I'm “the worst” and that she “hates me” and leaves with the guy. Let's say this again. I'm “the worst” and she “hates me.” What the fuck? Well, she calls me 15 minutes later while I'm hitting the punching bag (UFC has made me violent.) She asks me why I didn't stop the guy and play my “big brother” roll. I didn't know I had a “big brother” roll so all of this didn't serve much in calming me down. I told her that it all looked pretty mutual to me and that he's a great guy and would have stopped if she had given him indication that she didn't want his arm around him, etc.. Well, 15 minutes of heated conversation and one admission of my crush later she finally forgives me and understands that I didn't mean to do anything wrong and that I figured she was just being a girl and trying to make me jealous so she could get more attention. Or something. In these 15 minutes I was angry so I decided to walk, and ended up walking to her building. I tell her to come down and we chill together for the next few hours. She sleeps on couches in the library, I stay up to make sure she makes it to work on time, walk her to work, and eventually get to sleep at about 9:30 in the morning.

What the hell? How am I supposed to deal with this? I'm sitting around being angry and she's being angry at me for not having psychic enough powers to tell that she doesn't mean to be holding his hand? I need to get rid of this girl as soon as possible. Things are only going to get worse. Problem is, she's much too cool and sweet to just not talk to again. Fuck. Any suggestions?

Talking about girls can be hazardous to my health. I've become convinced of this. Last week brought enough drama and things aren't cooling down. I promise I have plenty of stories, but first I have questions.

Read the following:

Kids on the Merry-Go-Round

The merry-go-round sits silent outside
The church’s window. The service begins.
All of the children are sitting inside.
As the priest speaks every child stays quiet,
One in particular
—Not even breathing.
His body is still, and his face is pale.
But I don’t see him there.
I see the child’s face, bright, going ’round.
I see the child’s smile, spinning in circles.
I hear children’s laughter outside.
I hear children squeal with delight
As they fight to stay on;
As they fight not to fall.
I don’t see the priest, closing the lid.
I don’t see the pallbearers walking away.
Tell me you see children playing outside;
Tell me there’re kids on the merry-go-round.

Quick poll, when you read merry-go-round do you see the big horses (i.e. carousel) version or the little playground version? It never occurred to me that someone would see the horses version, but it's been happening a lot. Kinda kills the whole workings of the poem, if you ask me.

Back to the drama, I suppose. First, I would like to publicly announce that I am standing by my statement that women are evil. Upon recent evidence, both concrete and anecdotal, I have only solidified my previous hypothesis; I no longer believe they are evil, I know they are. Let's begin.

First off, NOT being sketchy is really treating me poorly. You would think I'd get “nice guy” points (as my wing-mate [dual meaning] calls them) all over the place, but they aren't seeming to do me much good. Perhaps I'm too deeply in debt. All the same, self deprivation for the sake of girls' feelings, be it a grand ideal, it really quite disagreeable when you get right down to it. Let's break it down:

Situation 1:

Girl: Intelligent, attractive, can kick people's ass, quite cool.

Problem: Would want a relationship if we hooked up, leaving the country for a year come this summer. She's also half taken.

My Action: Do not hook up with her despite her making it abundantly clear that she would like to.

Her reaction: Labels me as one of “those guys” (the player type) and spends time trying to make me jealous while subtly dropping hints that I could get with her.

Result: Frustration, anger, belief that women are evil.

Situation 2:

Girl: Super sexy, very bi-sexual, extremely cool, amazing in bed, open-minded, nearly the girl of my dreams.

Problem: Goes to different school, pretty sure is more attracted to girl 4 than me. Has Texan boyfriend (note: claims “monogamy” thing not working out for her.)

My Action: Nothing, she intimidates me too much.

Her reaction: Keeps only half enjoying mediocre sex with the Texan and enjoys life at her school.

Result: Lowered self-esteem, heightened self-anger, strengthen dislike for Bush.

Situation 3:

Girl: Terribly cute, incredibly friendly, amazing at making me happy, constantly better friend, super cool.

Problem: Religion getting in the way of mutual (?) attraction (note: religion itself is not a problem). Actually have a crush on this girl (this is not supposed to happen!)

My Action: Be really well behaved and understanding.

Her reaction: Thinks it's very sweet and, presumably, increases her attraction.

Result: Moves me more in the direction of a relationship that may be ultimately unsatisfying, persistent distractions, unhealthy behavior, belief that women are evil.

Situation 4:

Girl: Extremely hot, bi-sexual, great in bed, common interests, best friend.

Problem: Ex-girlfriend, we bring out the worst in each other

My Action: I tell her situations 1-3 and dissatisfaction with my non-sketchy action.

Her reaction: Claims she doesn't “know me anymore”. Also gets angry because she feels I flirted too heavily with girl 1.

Result: possible loss of friendship, strong depression, sexual frustration, belief that women are evil.

Note that this is a concise list. I had a mind to add other examples (e.g. a girl at UMCP, Girl from previous post) but it's too much work and more or less inconsequential. Is there any good news? Let's hope so. A very attractive girl asked me for my screen name after a night in the hut. Maybe she'll IM me.

So what do I do next? I'm thinking about going to the LAX game at UMCP this weekend just for the (briefly) above mentioned girl. She's super hot. Continue to walk the knife edge with girl 3 and hope (frivolously) that it won't blow up in my face. Consider becoming sketchy and hook up with girl 1 (naturally I would inform her completely of my intentions. I'm not that sketchy.) Pose nude at MICA and start going to MICA parties (3:2 girl guy ratio, most guys are gay. Good odds.) Attempt to get my mind off of girl 3. Wish me luck.

It's been a while but sometimes you have to write. Since I'm newly single and I'm sure to have lots of interesting adventures I think I'll make this a regular thing. I'm reminded of a poem that says:

“Truth is stranger than fiction,
If god had written Life it would be a dull read,
Take it from him: Keep the mystery, lose the script;
Reality TV is more entertaining,
They never use voice over.”

Well, true enough, reality is more entertaining than what have you. Women are crazier in real life than Robert Jordan ever made them, and he surely has tried as hard as we can expect any man. If ever there were a good example of my favorite equation (women + insanity = women) it would be tonight. Let's begin.

I have a buddy whose girlfriend does not go to Hopkins. She comes off as nice and cool which is kinda spooky already, if you ask me. An hour and six drinks later everyone is having a good time, save me and my friend. We're not talking. This isn't because we're fighting, it's more because we're trying to ignore the terrible awkwardness that his girlfriend is producing by slutting herself on me (details omitted). Now, I'm not positive he noticed, but I'm not positive Jenna Jamison has fake breasts either, but it sure looks that way to me. We haven't talked about it yet. We probably won't, we are guys after all, but it'd be nice to know he's not mad at me.

All things considered I'm feeling pretty good. Despite her being hot, I didn't let anything happen. This means that my friend and I shouldn't have any problems. So things should work out fine, right? Well, save the fact that a girl I have a slight crush on was advising me to get with this girl. This is doubly bad. One, this screams of “friends”. If you haven't read ladder theory then you'll have no idea of what I'm about to say means. I cannot be on the bad ladder. I'm never on the bad ladder! If there is one thing I always make sure to do, it is to never let a girl separate me from sex. So this is bad, quite bad. Going on, two, this implies that I seem like one of those guys. You know what I mean by this. The kind of guy that would steal away their friends girlfriends. If she thinks of me like this it's no wonder I'm not ranked how I want to be.

What's next? I'm not sure. First is posing nude at MICA. I don't think it'll help me pick up chicks (who knows though) but it'll be lots of fun and it should get my confidence up. Indeed, there is nothing more bolstering than sitting naked in a room full of people and not being laughed at. After this I'm supposed to seduce a friend of a friend. For convince sake we can call her “Liz”. This should be fun even if it doesn't work out. Why wouldn't it work out? She goes to UMCP, which is kinda a pain. But I'm not looking for anything but casual hooking up, so it's not so bad. More on this story to come in the following weeks, I hope. The only other thing to do is take a poll. I'll be asking random people I see, but you're welcome to leave your comments here. The question will be: Is it okay to hook up with a girl who you know wants a relationship with you if you want to just keep it physical (assume you'd make this clear to her)? Any thoughts.

The last I need to write tonight is a disclaimer: Women, I will be very misogynistic and women hating in the next few months. I apologize in advance and please understand that I'm just kidding. Men, you know I'm not actually kidding.

This is wonderful. I finally have something worth posting about. I think things have been rather slow in my life lately, and now things are picking up again. Maybe it was school and the complete lockdown of me wanting to put in the effort to enjoy life. Algebra does suck that way. It sucks as in sucks out your will to live. I don't know. I don't even find the homework that hard. It's just long and he (Zucker) always gives us more problems than God. Not terribly fair. So I've spend the last few weeks in nothingness, essentially, and it's nice to finally be back in the world, and with such an entrance.

I do wish I was getting more sleep though. It's odd, maybe I'm growing up, but I've been getting only like 4 hours of sleep here and there and I've been feeling somewhat fine. I'd expect to be dying right now but all I'm haveing to deal with is a little soreness from lifting and jiu-jitsu. It's past 4:00 now and I was hoping to get to sleep 2 hours ago. Such a shame, I could really use those 2 hours of life to feed to my Algebra homework that will no doubt succeed in stealing most of what I've gained this weekend. 18 hours is not appropriate.

Women are the problem again. Or, rather, women continue to be the problem. In all truth, this particular woman has been problem for close to two years. There's quite a story to it. I'll try to tell it in its entirety.

Grace was one of my first really good friends at Hopkins. I'm not quite sure when it started, but we cliqued in bunches of ways. We hung out lots, mostly talking about interesting things. That's what is appealing about her to so many people. That and she's beautiful. To this day I can't say enough good things about the girl. Now at this point I must seem misleading; rarely does a guy have a problem with girls and is unable to say enough good things about her. Indeed, usually he can't say enough bad things about them. Naturally I have my complaints about her, but believe it or not (I doubt most would, especially her) none of them are terrible, nor hold any weight against her pros.

So what happened? Well, with her being so great, everything must be my fault. Admittedly it is, in most senses of the word, but it does take two people to get most anywhere in a relationship. I guess the most obvious place to start would be the day before she left for winter break. As a result of what she accurately described as “rising sexual tension between us” we hooked up on that night. Sexual tension or not, there was something there. Maybe not emotional attraction beyond the friendship we had, but certainly the foundation and raw materials to build something. Being the smart but terribly ignorant boy I was at the time, I spent all of winter break ensuring I would not become emotionally attracted to her. Much good that did me. First real day I was back for intersession (a period of time largely wasted by me in the academic sense, mind you) I hooked up with her best friend at JHU. Come day two she told me that it upset her (signaling to me that she had her own potential emotional attraction for me, as it never bothered her when I had hooked up with her friend in the past). We hooked up again that night and put some of those raw materials to use in creating something wonderful. I hadn't slept so well in what seemed like a lifetime.

It wasn't so straight forward as I make it sound though. It took quite some time for us to admit to each other that we were attracted to each other. She was, understandably, apprehensive of, one, dating anyone at the time, and two, dating specifically me at the time. She had never let herself become emotionally attracted to anyone who wasn't a situational possibility (i.e. TAs, RAs, etc) for reasons she described as a kind of “defense mechanism”. I can't blame her I guess, since she wasn't out to protect herself, she was out to protect those she might get into a relationship with, like me for example. Well, she was still trying, but she failed with me and so the situation went to the next level for which she conveniently had not planned. I was happy. Very happy. I was dating a beautiful girl who happened to be a fantastic friend of mine. Never mind that concessions that needed to be made to be with her (most notably not letting anyone know we were dating). I was happy. Well, things were good, more or less, for the rest of intersession. Difficult, but good. I think relationships are always difficult when one or more members doesn't exactly want to be in it but can't help the emotional part.

Thing went sour when my roommate came back. It's tough to keep secrets from your roommate, especially when he finds the door locked, and after being told to wait to come in finds a girl rearranging her appearance and looking slightly embarrassed. So I told him. He had been telling me she liked me for some time, so he already expected. He actually asked me if we were dating yet before he ever walked in on us. When grace found out I told him she got upset. Soon later she decided we couldn't date anymore. I was crushed. But I was strong. I was determined not to break stride, went a party to try to seduce girls, build back up my self-confidence (perhaps not the best method, but certainly my method of choice at the time. I find chocolate works quite well now). Soon after (probably no more than a week after she broke up with me) I was in her room talking to her about whatever. Quite literally in the middle of the conversation she asks if she can kiss me. To stunned to come up with a decent Terms-of-service agreement to cover my ass against the future liabilities of this transaction, I let her kiss me. This by itself wasn't such a bad thing. Wasn't bad at all, in fact, except that she “broke up” with me again soon after, if one can call it that. This happened a few more times. I think it was six breaking in all.

After about 2 weeks of the last and longest stint of me being single, two weeks, my absolute best friend at JHU and a strong tie for first overall told me that she wasn't dating her boyfriend of 3 years anymore. Naturally I was shocked. This girl, also extremely beautiful, then had the nerve to tell me that she had quite the crush on me. This was terrible. I'd spent all the energy I hadn't put into Grace into this girl in every way but in developing feelings for her. In fact, I had never had any plans whatsoever of dating her, hooking up with her, even liking her. There as always this wall I had up between us that I wouldn't let myself try to climb; she did, after all have a boyfriend. Well, guess what? She didn't have a boyfriend. Tough time. The emotional influx I got from that night quite literally made me sick. Come the next morning there was little denying that I could avoid becoming emotionally attracted to this girl. We cliqued easily as well as Grace and I, and she promised more… stability. We started dating soon after. Too soon after, by most people's standards, but we were so comfortable with each other and the idea of emotional attraction towards each other that it seemed as though we had already been dating a lifetime. It turns out that “most people” included Grace.

We're sitting in my RA's room playing lunch money. Enter Grace. “Can I speak with you?”
“Sure.” We go outside (it's winter and I'm barefoot, I might add).
“You're a fuck, you know that?”
I didn't understand, “I don't understand.”
“You were dishonest with me about you intentions with Courtenay.”
At this point I tried, in vain, to explain that intentions change as situations change, that I never lied to her, and that I thought we were over, and if I had known she had any desire to be with me that I would have been there in a second and that it was her choice.
“As far as I'm concerned or interactions as people are over,” she says then leaves. Naturally this was terrible. I had lost one of my best friends and the feeling in my feet in the space of 2 minutes.

I don't think we've said a word to each other since then. This has become somewhat of a problem. I still really like the girl as a person. Admittedly I made some mistakes, if only through ignorance, but against, intentions must change as situations change. I'm taking a class that's bound to have no more than 20 people in it with her next semester. Not to mention, it's also known as about the hardest undergrad class at JHU with one of the hardest professors at JHU. She's the only person in the class I know, and if at all possible I'd like to patch things up so that we both don't fail. But this isn't my real motivation, I've been wanting to fix things for a long time, ask her to coffee or something. The question now is how will she respond to my request. Hopefully well, she's a smart girl, and I can't imagine her hate being stronger than her good characteristics. We'll see I guess.

Zeus had Hephaestus make Pandora to punish man. If there's one thing you can say about the gods, it's that they're good at what they do. I doubt there is any more painful combination then being both highly seductive and fickle. It's these two characteristics that have gotten me into the situation that I'm in now. Were it not for women thinking the way they do, this wouldn't even be an issue, but they do, so this is. “Sarah” is great. She's fantastic. I believe I'd be very very hard pressed to find a better girlfriend than her. She's not my girlfriend. Yes, contrary to a vastly popular belief, we are not together, and haven't been for some time (I think starting on Valentine's Day). But we're “half-dating”. What does that mean? I pluged define:half-dating into google and it came up with nothing. If google doesn't have an answer I clearly don't. Enter “Lisa”. Very attractive; interesting; playful; easy to talk to; seems to find me mildly attractive. Again, this shouldn't be an issue. I'm (half) single and I think a girl is cute. This happens a lot to many people. Now for all the issues. First, Sarah kissed me in front of Lisa. This will make it terribly difficult to convince her I'm single should I choose to persue this at all. Second, I know someone else (nameless) who I hear is interested in her. Bros before hos? Sure, I guess. Third, Sarah apparently eventually wants to get back together with me. This is great for a lot of reasons, but not for the relevant one right now. The real issue isn't Lisa in particular, it's that if I'm not going to be with Sarah, I want to be able to date other people or something, Lisa just happens to be particularly interesting. I'm stuck in this semi-limbo where I can't really be with Sarah, but I can't be with any other girl because of the effect it would have on all the relevant people (e.g. Lisa [hurt because I'm still interested in Sarah], nameless-guy [hurt because I shatter his dreams of being with Lisa], Sarah [hurt because I don't give her enough attention (she actually encourages me to hook up/date, but I still need to give her all the attention she needs)], and me [hurt because even in the best outcome I would lose one girl and upset the other, and probably a decent friend while I'm at it]). In short I'm force to sit and do nothing. At least it takes less effort. Is that much risk really worth the effort I would have to give in order to convince her I'm single, make her attracted to me, and deal with all the social instabilities arising from it, let alone possibly getting into a fight with this guy. Best to back off and not do anything.